The Ballad of the Danube Dinner Cruise:

(Sung to the tune of the Gillian’s Island theme)

Just sit right back and you’ll hear the tale

the tale of a hateful trip

That started out from Budapest

On a Danube-cruising ship. 

The parents said it would be fun, 

The kiddos weren’t so sure. 

But we all embarked on what was billed

As a three-hour tour (not a four hour tour)

It started out a little rough—

The menu could be better. 

Adam pocketed our phones so we’d

pay attention to the “operetta.”

Alas each song was four in one, 

Each musician on a diff’rent planet,

While the hostess* sang Hungarian,

so we couldn’t understand it. 

After lit’rally hours of this,

We were all in a crappy mood.

The worst part was they hadn’t even

Brought us any food. 

(Tempo change: you know that roll-call part that starts, “with Gilligaaaaan, the Skipper too?” OK, continue:)

The salad suuuuucked,

The goulash too. 

The chiiickeeeeeen and the rice. 

The waiters hid,

Or maybe watched from behind the scenes,

Cracking up at uuuuuus. 

The meal was crap, but thankfully

The portions were quite small. 

‘Cause in our hunger, I’m ashamed

To say we ate it all.** 

From customers to all the staff,

We watched the minutes crawl. 

There’s someplace else we’d rather be, 

Really any place at all.

The minute they unlocked the doors,

The Tachners led the pack

Of grumbling, mutinous tourists

Who were Never.Coming.Back. 

Bad food, no phones, no fun at all,

Every one of us kvetchy:

Not even a pen for tic tac toe***

It was hellish as can be. 

So when you’re next in Budapest,

Here’s a handy tip to use:

Fast as you can, run far away

From the Danube Dinner Cruise!****

*everyone on this ship was multi-tasking. I’m convinced the captain was also cooking the food. Otherwise, there’s no explanation for either the food quality or the fact that the boat just literally went around in circles.

**except dessert, which was so gross nobody touched it. 

***We sat next to the suggestion box, which had my fingers itching the whole night. Alas, there were not only no pencils there, but no suggestion slips either. Luckily for them.

****specifically the SilverLine cruise line. Yep, naming names.